The Big One
At a loose moment on radio row in the Garden, I saw Bob Barr, off in a corner, hosting a talk-show. This set me to wondering about the other great Unmentionable — other than that bin Laden chap — at the Republican Zellapalooza this week.
Six years ago, the Republicans, for reasons of high principle and in defense of the rule of law and the Constitution, brought forth the only impeachment ever of an elected president of the United States. Remember the soaring rhetoric, the agonized lawmakers talking over their epochal decision with their dogs and their children. (I guess Cokie Roberts’s kids came through the Clinton years unscathed after all.) I particularly liked that one guy from California who went surfing, and the great power of the sea convinced him that, sadly, Bill Clinton had to go. It was a bold and brave moment for these young conservatives. Remember how proudly they bore themselves on the talk shows? Remember how nobly they suffered their betrayal at the hands of their Senate brethren? Remember how they attached themselves to the uncompromising Thomas More created by Robert Bolt in “A Man For All Seasons”? (They quoted that movie the way some sportswriter pals of mine quote “Caddyshack.”)
My question, then, is this: Where in hell’s the video tribute?
Where’s the 15-minute package honoring these selfless solons, some of whom got the boot shortly thereafter? Where’s the stirring music, the NFL Films narration? Where’s the appreciation from the Republican Party for what these courageous men of honor did? They fearlessly dragged out what Thomas Jefferson — a Democrat, and wouldn’t you know it? — famously called a “scarecrow,” and they used it on behalf of the laws to which we all must be subject.
Where’s the movie, y’all?
A couple of more conventions without one, and I might think the whole impeachment thing was a prolonged dirty-trick aimed at hamstringing a moderate Democratic president that you couldn’t beat at the polls, and rammed through because of some aggravated nutbaggery from the extremists in the House of Representatives. This would be very disappointing to me, and to Thomas More, I’m sure.
I was struck by this as well. The great battle of the blowjob was not even mentioned despite the grave danger to the nation it once presented. I fear that, like Vietnam, the wounds will never heal until we openly honor the brave fighters who served our nation in the great Clinton cockhunt. If we don’t, years from now a fine young Republican may wish to run for president and Democrats will mockingly wear condoms on their heads at their nominating convention. I’d hate to see that happen.
On the other hand, if these brave men and women were able to stop even one grown man from enjoying fellatio, then they can take pride that they did their duty. But sadly, like Vietnam, I’m afraid this may be another example of the “best and the brightest” sending our boys and girls out to fight an unwinnable war for the hearts and minds (and penises) of the nation. I could be wrong.