Not Ready For The Close-up

In the post below, I wondered why Jack Abramoff was so unsuccessful in Hollywood and surmised that it might be because Hollywood types aren’t as gullible and easily led as those in the conservative movement (which is really saying something.) And what do I find immediately after I posted it, but proof, right on the new internet nexus of Hollywood and politics The Huffington Post, from none other than Danielle Crittendon of “What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us” (and marriage to David Frum) fame:

Maybe it is futile to hope that we can ever bridge the gap between Powertown and Tinseltown so long as the Republicans are in power. But if that day ever comes, perhaps it will go — or should go something like this:

INT. CORPORATE BOARDROOM OVERLOOKING CENTURY CITY TOWERS, DAY.

A young man in horn-rimmed eyeglasses and a Hollywood mogul are deep in conversation over a long table. In front of the mogul are a vinyl binder embossed with the Great Seal of the United States, a White House pen and pencil set, and a White House coffee mug. The mogul is fiddling with and admiring his new presidential cufflinks. The young man is taking notes.

YOUNG MAN

Gosh, I wish the President could
hear what you just said! It’s so reasonable.
It’s so smart. You must be the only
one out here who thinks like you do.

MOGUL
(attempting modesty but failing)
Well, Mr. Vice President. There are a few of
us. We just wish we could
get our voices heard.

YOUNG MAN
Oh the President will hear them all right.
He’ll certainly hear yours.
I was just talking yesterday to the Vice
President for Concepts and Planning and
the Vice President for Public Liaison.
And we agreed – you’ve surprised us.

MOGUL
Why surprise?

YOUNG MAN
It’s, well—I probably
shouldn’t say this but we Republicans
too often take a stereotypical
view of Hollywood liberals.

MOGUL
How so?

YOUNG MAN
I guess we see them as unpatriotic,
Jesus-hating environmental hypocrites who are
subverting the culture and are completely
out of touch with mainstream America.

The mogul snorts.

YOUNG MAN
(continuing)
But if more Republicans could meet
liberals like you, I think we
could change that stereotype.
(Confidentially) You know,the president
was really impressed by your op-ed on
global warming in the L.A. Times. The
President disagrees with your conclusions
of course, but – .

MOGUL
(stupefied)
The President read my op-ed?
He reads? I mean, he reads the
L.A. Times? Well … you don’t say.

YOUNG MAN
Were you serious when you said
earlier you’d be willing to host
a casual discussion group with a
few of your Hollywood friends?

MOGUL
Sure.

YOUNG MAN
I think we could get you some
top people. Maybe Vice President Cheney.
Or Vice President Liz Cheney.
(confidentially)
You know, you might be the
man to actually broker
a détente between Hollywood
and Washington.
And who knows where that could
lead? For you. For us.

MOGUL
(thoughtfully)
I may even be able to get
Barbra out for this.

YOUNG MAN
Thank you for everything you
do. It’s important to
America.

And then the young man pitches his idea for a fascinating reality TV Series called “When Monkeys Fly Out of Your Ass!” and the mogul claps his hands and says “oooh you are so brilliant, little Republican, I love the way you think.” And everyone lives happily ever after.

Hollywood moguls are used to being flattered, it’s true. But they hire professionals to do this job. This kind of pitch would get you fired for the sheer insult of its puerile transparency.

No wonder the King of Republican lobbyists could only get two shitty Dolph Lundgren movies off the ground in 8 years. These guys are amateurs. Best they stick to trying to snow Rapture enthusiasts and confederate sympathisers. Hollywood is clearly above their paygrade.

.