How Things Work
(Alternate title: Me and My Oil)

by poputonian

I’m not as smart as President Slaughterbush and the neocons, but I wonder what came first in their collective minds: the realization that America was dependent on oil, and therefore the US had better come up with a plan to convert it to its own control, or that by virtue of its value, oil would eventually put too much cash into the hands of a ‘hostile’ culture, and therefore the ‘hostile’ culture should be force-assimilated into America’s ‘things-that-glow’ way of life? It’s one of those chicken and egg conundrums.

So consider what the stakes are if America is unable to gain control of the oil and the economy slips into a deep recession. First, everyone would have to give up their picture cell phones and go back to the old kind without pictures. Then, we’d have to return to a normal diet by giving up two-thirds of our 6,000 calories per day. Americans would lose weight making them healthier, which would cause a drop in physician incomes, which would then cause the luxury car market to collapse. Since it’s a trickle-down economy, the average suburban home would go from 4,000 square feet to less than half that.

Without money to buy liquor, alcohol consumption would drop leading corporations to withdraw their television ads from ballgames, and since ad revenue drives the sports industry, the salaries of our athlete-gods would drop precipitously to under a million a year. When the athlete-gods raped women, they would have to hire ordinary lawyers, who would be less likely to get them off scot-free, so the whole sports industry would collapse. As corporate income fell overall, business control of government would slip and the politicians’ fee-income derived from business relationships would dry up.

God, it would be hell.

All these things make up our way of life, so it really doesn’t matter who the oil belongs to. It’s ours. Really. If your conscience bothers you, try the Republican mantra: It’s all about me. It’s all about me. It’s all about me. It’s all about …

I mentioned that President Slaughterbush was a smart guy. As proof, take note that he has moved way up the intellectual food chain from My Pet Goat. Watertiger has the details.