The following is a guest post by Correntewire’s the farmer.

Disney-ABC – Its Not About The “Overarching Moments”

It’s about a “charismatic Afghan leader” and the favor of Little Mermaids.

The actor playing Ahmed Shah Massoud (the heroic leader of the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan, and one of America’s strongest allies in that area) is also an inspired piece of casting. Actor Mido Hamada looks remarkably like Massoud, and is highly effective at playing the noble and charismatic leader. The producers
informed me that Hamada, who is quite handsome, has been the particular favorite of ladies at the advance screenings. ~ Govindini Murty, Human Events, August 22, 2006.

I’ll bet he is. And maybe he’ll marry The Little Mermaid at the end of the story too. I hope so because the Little Mermaid is pretty and because I like pretty happy endings as much as the next history action movie fan. After the docu-thriller-movie-mini-series-event is over – whenever that is – me and Michael Ledeen and David Horowitz and Peggy Noonan are gonna hop in Peg’s Nassau County Seclusion-3D Urban Camo-Pattern Hummer with UTV Floor Mount Kalashnikov Assault Weapon Rack and heated Sheepskin Rumble Seat and thunder on down the parkway to the local All-American drive through fast food slop-shoot for some Happy History Meals and our free ABC-Disney United Front Supreme Council for the Defense of the Motherland moveable mujahidin freedom fighter action hero figure sets which come free with each patriotic ABC/Disney Happy History Meal purchase.

You can bet your liberal ass on it.

And since this all happens in the composite historical past characterized as the past-future I will recount for you now what happened next/then:

First: Me and my friends went to the fast food window where our friend Republican 9/11 commission chairman Tom Kean works like a regular guy at night when he isn’t pumping gas at the Hess station with his buddy Khalid bin Mahfouz who is – supposedly – “married to one of Osama bin Laden’s sisters”. Or at least thats what some guy from Fortune Magazine told me:

Five Degrees Of Osama
By Nicholas Stein
February 3, 2003
(FORTUNE Magazine) – In December, President Bush named Thomas Kean, the former Republican governor of New Jersey, chairman of an independent commission examining the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. But FORTUNE has learned that Kean appears to have a bizarre link to the very terror network he’s investigating–al Qaeda.

Here’s how the dots connect: Kean is a director of petroleum giant Amerada Hess, which in 1998 formed a joint venture–known as Delta Hess–with Delta Oil, a Saudi Arabian company, to develop oil fields in Azerbaijan. One of Delta’s backers is Khalid bin Mahfouz, a shadowy Saudi patriarch married to one of Osama bin Laden’s sisters. Mahfouz, who is suspected of funding charities linked to al Qaeda, is even named as a defendant in a lawsuit filed by families of Sept. 11 victims. True, Hess is hardly the only company to cross paths with Mahfouz: He has shown up in dealings with, among others, ultra-secretive investment firm Carlyle Group and BCCI, the lender toppled by fraud in 1992. Kean, who was unavailable for comment, may not have been aware of the Mahfouz connection.

But Hess spokesman Carl Tursi did reveal another interesting coincidence: Three weeks before Kean’s appointment, Hess severed its ties with Delta.

Whatever. I don’t know any of the bin Laden sisters and I mind my own business. And I didn’t drive all the way to Massapequa for a freakin’ seminar on character assasination and conspiracy theory from those socialist appeasers at Fortune Magazine. No, by God and creeping baby Jeziss I wanted my action heroes and my Freedom Fries and my All American Cheeseburger and my Corn Syrup Cola and I wanted it all in a nice neat cleanly folded bag with proper condiments and corporate endorsements packed approprietly therein with respect. All ready to go. And thanks to ABC-Disney and my regular buddy Tom working the drive through window at All american that is exactly what I got. Tom makes the fry machine run on time. That’s what I like about Tom.

So, as I was saying: we got our ABC-Disney Historical Happy Meal and Northern Alliance moveable action hero figures from Tom just like we wanted them. And Tom did us right.

Horowitz got the Junbish-i Milli-yi Islami-yi Afghanistan (National Islamic Movement of Afghanistan) former communist leader Abdul Rashid Dostum action hero figure with Uzbek militiaman bodyguard and a redeemable coupon for full control of the city of Mazar-i Sharif. Cool, comrade.

Michael Ledeen got his hands on the Shia Party Hizb-i Wahdat-i Islami-yi Afghanistan (Islamic Unity Party of Afghanistan) commander Muhammad Muhaqqiq action hero figure with Hazara ethnic trader routes and considerable military and financial backing from Iran (which I think is what Ledeen was really looking for in the
first place.)

I got the Ittihad-i Islami Bara-yi Azadi Afghanistan (Islamic Union for the Liberation of Afghanistan) Abdul Rasul Sayyaf Muslim Brotherhood Arab foreign freedom fighter action figure with wealthy Saudi investor assistance set. Also comes with a Masters degree from Al-Azhar University and two suspicious looking, supposedly
Moroccan, assassins.

As you might expect, Peggy would get the handsome Jamiat-i Islami-yi Afghanistan (Islamic Party of Afghanistan) Sunni Moslem Ahmad Shah Massoud “Lion of Panjshir” action hero figure. Comes with a gilded handmade Ronald Reagan Legacy Project Islamic prayer mat signed by Oliver North and a valuable mail-order Stinger missile recovery options package. And some assorted guns and money and tanks from Iran and Russia too. And a signed 8×10 glossy of Charlie Wilson’s girlfriend Snowflake relaxing in a fishnet hammock.

I figured Peggy would score the Lion of Panjshir action hero figure set. Afterall, she already has the Little Mermaid figure – she keeps it in an aquarium at home with her talking dolphin – so i guess that will work out pretty good in the end for all parties concerned.

Anyway, if you want to get the whole Northern Alliance (United Front) moveable mujahidin action hero set you can just visit your local participating fast food All-american franchise each night following the ABC TV mini-series and get more action figures and then just keep coming back until you have all the action figures you want for your very own. Collect them all! The complete set!

Ledeen even went back and bought a second happy meal for his Airedale after the first night just so he could keep the Harakat-i Islami-yi Afghanistan (Islamic Movement of Afghanistan) Ayatollah Muhammad Asif Muhsini Shia party action hero clerical figure with the General Anwari commander and Jamiat allies accessories. Comes with redeemable coupons for future Iranian weapons caches too. Excellent!

I think Ledeen just went back for seconds so he could have two action hero jihadi figures with additional backing from Iran so that when he went over to play at Bill Kristols house he’d have more Iranian backed guys in the bag than Kristol. He’s pretty obsessed with that Iran stuff ya know. I don’t even think he really even cares if the Lion of Panjshir gets to marry the Little Mermaid in the end.

One time he even told me in confidence that he thought that there should be a ABC history mimi-series and Disney moveable action figure set of himself. I believed him too. His dad even invented the air conditioner for Walt Disney!

Bet you didn’t know that did you? Small world ain’t it?

He called his own action figure the “Benito 12 Avenger Freedom on the March Commando Unit” set. Complete with appropriatly fabricated perception managed intelligence reports, CIA burn orders, a stylish Italian secret decoder spy ring, and a Manucher Ghorbanifar Iranian arms dealer back-channel TOW missle slush fund which any entrepereuer can use to purchase a bed & breakfast in Costa Rica. Plus you get a free six month subscription to the National Review poitical science fiction magazine (for a limited time only).

At least that’s what I think he told me. Probably not exactly like that but genuinly something of like that. Afterall, this report is sort of a drama-docu historical timeline of actual docu-dramatic events that I myself have dramatically reported because I wrote them down so they must have happened in some real or theoretical or important context or another.

I think I’ll give away my supposedly Moroccan assassins that I got with my Rasul Sayyaf Muslim Brotherhood Arab foreign freedom fighter action figure set to Kristol so he can make them fight his Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad moveable action villian anti-hero figure that he won at the AIPAC Gefilte Fish Passover Brunch – whenever that was – and keeps to this very day in a cage on his desk at work as a constant reminder of things to do.

That should make Ledeen jealous too since he doesn’t have any supposedly Moroccan assassins as yet. As far as I know.

I don’t like Horowitz too much. He’s kind of a weird whiny little nerd who hangs around the college campus trying to screw anything that moves. And that ain’t right. So I usually don’t talk to him much and he used to be a communist Leninist race baiter too. As I recall he was the lead guitarist for Andy Warhol’s Underground Weather Factory for may critical years in the 60’s.

So you understand.

I like Peggy though. Sometimes Peg comes over to my house and we play kickass all-American suburban garage band biker band records and play with my Southern Baptist Convention blow-mold Jesus action hero figure and Nativity scene which I leave laying around until about the middle of March becuae I just can’t let go sometimes of that Christmas warrior spirit. And then sometimes she roots through the bottom of my closet for my chocolate brown Nubucks which she likes to cuddle and fall asleep with on my Kevlar upholstered anti-terror sofa.

I’m not really sure what’s up with the shoe thing but I find charming in a kind of manly heterosexual heaving chest of conquest manner and – let me tell you my friend – if you haven’t been strirred by the sight of lovely Peggy N. curled up on a sofa in a short little tartan skirt clutching a pair of brown Nubuck shoes to her pearly bossom while some garage band roars like a wild suburban beast from the rafters well then you ain’t really lived in America as a real vital American.

Would I just make something like that up? I don’t think so.

So where was I. Oh yeah, the ABC-Disney heroic action thriller docudrama mini-series event and the glowing review in Human Events magazine by Govindini Murty. And by the way, what the hell kind of name is Govindini Murty anyway? I don’t like the sounds of that to tell you the truth.

But that doesn’t matter because Human Events magazine is a non-partisan publication and I respect their right to publish the opinions of people with suspicious sounding names.

As I said earlier: my historical pre-emptive recollections of the people and events and “overarching moments” I describe above, which follow the ABC-Disney documentary “the Path to 911,” are completely true and accurate as I see them in a composite pre-emptive retrospective documatary dramatic info-tainment context. Obviously I can’t tell you that everything I have recounted above will occur because it hasn’t been completely vetted yet.

But when and if it is vetted, well, then, I feel that I will be completely vetted and vindicated despite what our countries enemies would like to have people believe.

—- the farmer

UPDATE: Some are requesting that I or someone else re-cut and edit this post. My previous premptive recollection involving Peggy Noonan’s visits to my home may be slightly exaggerated (they are not slander) and/or intentionally mischaracterized as it comes to my intentional attention at this pivitol moment. To clarify: I have never actually left my Nativity scene standing as late as of March of any given year and I am very sorry for any confusion or misconceptions or religious sensitivities that I may have offended with respect to this journalistic oversight. It was a joke and a poor one at that.

I don’t really know a lot about what is being said at this time by critics and partisans. I just know that what I have said is what I have said and if partisans are saying something different that doesn’t dissuade me from telling the truth because I am non-partisan.

What more can be said?

—– tf