Nutella Does Not A Healthy Breakfast Make

by tristero

I know, I know, Obama won the Nobel and all you wanna do is talk about fucking Nutella? Sure, why not? What’s there to say about the Nobel? He deserves it? Of course, he does. He doesn’t deserve it? Of course, he doesn’t. The award is driving the lunatics into apoplectic fits? Yes, that’s very good to hear. That about covers it, as far as I can tell. Now, let’s talk Nutella!

The great food policy blogger Jill Richardson tells a tale about her stint working the pastry counter beat at Whole Foods. Customers would come up to her and ask if the desserts were “healthy.” Jill, to their great disappointment, would reply that no, they weren’t.

The false notion that a food is healthy simply because it uses ingredients of a certain level of quality is unbelievably widespread. My 13-year-old daughter loves organic lemonade and thinks it’s good for her. Um…well, it tastes good, that’s for sure (although Dad makes better). But lemonade – organic, inorganic, fair-trade, harvested entirely from lemons that fell off the tree, or whatever – has tons of sugar and can in no way be considered a healthy drink.

(Of course, that’s no reason to avoid lemonade if you like it. But it’s a damn good reason not to drink it every day.)

This bogus association of quality ingredients with health is no accident. Far from it. It’s aided and abetted by the food biz. Courtesy of Mark Bittman’s blog, Leora Broydo Vestel tells us about the latest absurd attempt to rebrand a sweet non-healthy treat as good for you, ie, as part of a healthy diet. The product? That’s right: Nutella! Who knew? Here’s the text of their latest ad, making an incredibly bizarre argument for serving kids a regular dose of a treat and calling it a nutritious breakfast :

“As a mom, I’m a great believer in Nutella, a delicious hazelnut spread that I use to get my kids to eat healthy foods. I spread a little on all kinds of healthy things, like multi-grain toast. Every jar has wholesome, quality ingredients, like hazelnuts, skim milk, and a hint of delicious cocoa. And Nutella has no artificial colors or preservatives. It’s quick. It’s easy. And at breakfast, I can use all the help I can get.”

No. It doesn’t work like that. If you put Nutella on a piece of multi-grain toast, it doesn’t magically transform this delicious snack into a healthy breakfast. From a health standpoint, it simply adds lots of calories, fat, and sugar to a piece of toast.

Let’s say this very clearly, for the benefit of conservatives and others with severe cognitive impairments: I’m the last person to advocate “eating for health.” I eat stuff because it tastes good. Why anyone would eat something because “it’s good for you” is a genuine puzzle – it sounds creepy to me. That doesn’t mean I’m pro-garbage, of course, or that I think we should eat an unbalanced diet. I’m simply saying that I have no sympathy for food Puritans. I eat the way I do not to improve myself or my health but for a far more important reason: sheer enjoyment. And so… I really like Nutella, it’s delicious. But it is not health food. It is a treat. Sure, smear it on some bread for your kids for a special occasion, they’ll love it. But don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re doing them any favors by serving it for breakfast every morning, for crissakes! The only favors you’re doing are for the good folks who own Nutella who, most likely, are using your hard-earned cash to provide their children with a really decent breakfast, one that doesn’t include regular servings of, you guessed it, Nutella.

Cue the defenders of Big Food to argue that because Americans eat so incredibly poorly, it actually is better to eat the stuff on toast every morning than to mainline Nutella straight out of the jar. Nope. It’s not better, unless by “better” you mean “absolutely, totally awful for you to eat frequently, except that probably there’s even worse ways you can eat it.” That’s not what most of us mean by “better,” but that is what the food biz wants us to think it means. (Cue long, pointless discussions of what “better” really means, complete with genuinely fascinating observations on the etymology of the word and less fascinating, but nevertheless still amusingly harsh criticism of tristero for contradicting himself (I didn’t, read it again), for advocating food fascism (ditto), and for failing to understand the nuances of the phrase “on a continuum” (nope). As if any of that will change the simple fact that giving your kids Nutella for breakfast on a regular basis is a rotten idea.)

You want better? How about Coconut Oat Pilaf? Now, that’s a real breakfast of champions! It tastes totally awesome, it’s a snap to prepare, and you can make enough to last a week in 30 minutes or so. Think your kids won’t go for it? That’s cool, there are plenty of decent alternatives you can find to serve them as a regular breakfast. But whichever way you slice it, which ever multitudinous grains you happen to have in that slice, Nutella on toast is not one of them.