The next conservative idol
by David Atkins (“thereisnospoon”)
Demonstrating the intellectual maturity of their voting base, conservative Republicans have been cycling through crush after crush like a hormonal teenager. First it was Donald Trump. Then it was Michele Bachmann. After Bachmann, Rick Perry was “the one”. Perry was supposed to be marriage material, in fact.
But after Rick Perry’s horrible debate performance, Republicans are shopping around again in an effort to avoid the boring man they will likely actually marry, Mitt Willard Romney. Today’s flavor of the week is New Jersey governor and noted jerk Chris Christie:
The Republican primary race was marked by fake candidates (Donald Trump), non-candidates (Mitch Daniels), and fringe candidates (Gary Johnson, Ron Paul) before Rick Perry got into the race. Conservatives were excited after his announcement in August; the conservative blog Hot Air declared he was the “real deal” who could forcefully attack President Obama. The American Spectator said he was “far better positioned than Romney to debate the President.” They must not have ever seen Perry debate. After his Texas swag could not carry him through Thursday’s event, some conservatives are back to pining for their fantasy candidates. Chief among them: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.
Perry’s halting, stumbling performance, National Review editor Rich Lowry writes at Fox News, “will stoke more speculation about… Christie possibly entering the race.” It sure did.The Washington Post’s Jennifer Rubin writes, “I thought there was some possibility that if the stars aligned that [Christie] might get in…. In the wake of last night’s debate, that possibility increased by a factor of 10. (Yeah, yeah, 10 times zero is zero, but it was never zero.)” The Weekly Standard’s Bill Kristol, too, was inspired by the Orlando debate to think again about Christie. Kristol says he got an email from a “bright young conservative” saying, “I’m watching my first GOP debate…and WE SOUND LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE!!!!” Kristol says he’s left asking “with a month left before filing deadlines: Is that all there is?”
Yes, you sound like crazy people. You are crazy people. The only difference, my dear Republicans, is that the candidates you seriously fall in love with are finally a reflection of the true character of your voters. These are the suitors the Tea Party heart desires (for a month at a time, anyway), and they’re the suitors the Tea Party heart deserves.
As for Chris Christie? His state’s finances are out of whack, he’s corrupt, most decent people don’t like him, and he’s a bully. A man cut from true Tea Party cloth, and a man the conservative establishment will respect for at least a few weeks until they realize he can’t really bring home the bacon.
At which point their wandering hearts will dutifully stroll down the aisle with Mr. Dependable Mitt Romney, and spend the rest of their electoral lives wondering what might have been. And when Mitt Romney is defeated in 2012, the same conservatives fretting over the inadequacy of their alternatives will blame boring old Mitt for the ruin of their electoral lives, wistfully sighing “if only I’d married Michele, or Rick, or Chris…”
The conservative soul, inconstant as it may be, will always flirt with and pine for its bad boy heart throbs on the far right before making the staid choice. That’s why Chris Christie will likely jump into the race. And that’s why, when all is said and done, Mitt Romney will be accept the GOP nomination in 2012.
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