Literary Terrorism
Guest post by Thumb
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – U.S. President George W. Bush disclosed new details on Thursday of a thwarted al Qaeda plot to use shoe bombs to hijack a plane and fly it into a Los Angeles building, as he sought to justify his tactics in fighting terrorism.
With critics questioning the legality of his authorization of a domestic spying program, Bush used newly declassified details of a previously revealed plot to show that the threat of terrorism has not abated.
“America remains at risk, so we must remain vigilant,” Bush said.
He said that in early 2002 the United States and its allies disrupted a plot to use bombs hidden in shoes to breach the cockpit door of an airplane and fly it into the tallest building in Los Angeles.
But he got the name of the building wrong, saying the “intended target was Liberty Tower.” He meant Library Tower, now the US Bank Tower, that at 1,017 feet (310 metres) high is the tallest building in the United States west of the Mississippi River.
It seems Bush wasn’t the only one confused by the name of the tower. This shocking leaked NSA intercept of two of the shoe-bombers shows even the terrorists were confused:
AQ#1: Have you received our target yet?
AQ#2: Yes. The Literary tower in Los Angeles.
#1: The Literary Tower?
#2: Yes. You know, the really tall one.
#1: Fool, you mean the LIBERTY Tower, not the…
#2: No no no, the Literary Tower, I remember specifically. That’s the big one. With all their books.
#1: Their books?? Who cares about the infidel’s books? The plan is to strike down their liberty. That makes our target the Liberty Tower, not the Literary tower. Are you sure we’re talking about the same tower? Do you have a map? We are talking about Los Angeles, aren’t we?
[paper shuffling]
#2: Um… uh… I can’t figure this out. Oh, who cares what it’s called. It’s the tallest one. How many tallest buildings can there be in Los Angeles, anyway?
#1: Three? Four?
#2: …Well, it doesn’t matter. Any one of them will do. Do you have the information on our weapons?
#1: Yes, I am told we will hide high explosives in our shoes, and then…
#2: Uh, say that again? It sounded like you said “high explosives” and “shoes.”
#1: Yes. Explosives. In our shoes. We’ll use them to gain access to the cockpit…
#2: Uh, Mohammed?
#1: Yes Mohammed?
#2: Something, um, doesn’t sound right. Are you quite sure…
#1: Of course I’m sure. It says right here [sounds of more paper shuffling] that we are to use high explosives to gain access to the cockpit, where we then threaten to blow up the rest of plane if they don’t fly it into the Liberty…
#2: Literary…
#1: Liberty, Literary… I don’t… [sighs] Look, just tell the pilot “The tall one.” I’m quite sure they’ll know which building you’re talking about. Just tell them that if they don’t immediately fly the plane into the tallest building in Los Angeles, you’ll blow them up with your Sneakers of Mass Destruction. They won’t want that, I can assure you.
#2: Uh… there’s something I don’t understand.
#1: Yes?
#2: How do we explode our way into the cockpit and still threaten to blow up the plane?
#1: Fool, that’s why we hide the explosives in our shoes. Just use one shoe on the cockpit door. That way we still have the other shoe to threaten to blow up the rest of the plane with.
#2: Ooooh. That makes sense. Sort of. [long pause] We get to take them off first, right?
#1: I assume. Let me check [paper shuffling]. Well, I don’t see where it says we can’t. So I suppose it should be okay. [pause] Wait. Did you hear that?
#2: Yes, I did. Is there somebody else on the line? You don’t have a party line, do you? Please tell me you paid for a private line…
#1: Yes, of course this is a private line. Now shut your hookah-hole, I’m trying to listen. [“if you’d like to continue this wiretap for another –ten– minutes, please insert an additional –75– cents”] ACK! I think this line is being tapped!
#2: Do Americans have such technologies?
#1: Damn. I once read where they did, but I completely forgot about that.
[click]