How Can He Be Even More Right? A Modest Proposal.

by tristero

George W. Bush’s latest thoughtful speech was, as usual, boldly audacious. With his demand that responsible debate over Iraq must be limited entirely to arguments over exactly how much praise he deserves, The President’s speech will go down in history as among the most remarkable utterances ever.

The American people know the difference between responsible and irresponsible debate when they see [sic] it. They know the difference between honest critics who question the way the war is being prosecuted and partisan critics who claim that we acted in Iraq because of oil, or because of Israel, or because we misled the American people. And they know the difference between a loyal opposition that points out what is wrong, and defeatists who refuse to see that anything is right.

In other words:

Is the Bush administration doing (1) a heckuva job; (2) a heckuva great job; or (3) a totally heckuva great job? And how can we help The President be more right?

Before we can answer that second question, we need to understand exactly why The President refuses to consider the topics he mentions as worthy of responsible discussion.

Of course, we didn’t invade Iraq because of oil. Why this isn’t obvious to everyone is one of the mind-boggling mysteries of our epoch. Briefly, all we’re trying to do is grow the Iraq economy. Now, everyone knows the world is in a post-industrial phase, where it’s high tech that rules, not Big oil-gobbling Iron. Therefore, it’s vital to Iraq’s infrastructure that they make use as soon as possible of their most abundant resource – sand – and become the major player they deserve to be in the international chip market.

All we’re doing is expediting that process by purifying the sand. We’re simply eliminating all that putrid-smelling retro petro-pollution from their valuable natural mineral resource and shipping the smelly sludge – at our own companies’ expense, mind you – back to the US. This is not about oil but about transforming a volatile region into a Land Of Milk and Honey. And Sand. Because of The President’s actions, I can predict with near certainty that within five years Iraq will become the pre-eminent Silicon Desert of the Middle East.

As for Israel, it simply must be recognized that any critic who mentions Israel in the same sentence with Iraq is not only thoroughly irresponsible but clearly an out and out anti-Semite. Now I admit, Pat Robertson may have been overstretching a bit, but only those who refuse to acknowledge cause and effect fail to see the connection between Sharon’s recent stroke and the unremitting criticism he received in the past few months by all those here in the US who refused to support the Iraq war.

Now regarding the alleged misleading of the American people, I submit that The President never did such a thing. The proof, as if any is needed (he is after, all The President, and doesn’t need proof), can be found in this very speech of 10 January, 2006. Notice how carefully and repeatedly The President distinguishes between “Saddamists” and “foreign terrorists.” He’s telling us he’s known all along that there’s a difference and that he’s never confused them. Furthermore, notice how he fearlessly deplores the utterly unprecedented abuse of Iraqi prisoners by Iraqi security forces. This also subtly alludes to the moral axis of The President’s actions in Iraq. After all, where else could those murderous Iraqi security police possibly have learned to perpetrate such horrors if not while suffering under the obscene guidance of the monstrous Sons of Saddam – Uday and what’shisname?

But The President goes even further in clearing our mind of dangerous clutter. Little noticed by the punditocracy – at least so far – The President makes it very clear he has secret evidence American troops never blew up innocent wedding parties. Those were suicide bombers disguised as American planes and Blackhawks.*

But we digress. Back to that second question: How can The President be more right? Okay. I’ll tell you and I’m not going to mince words. And I don’t care who wants to turn me in for saying them!

I think the Big Problem is that everyone thinks The President is wrong and they won’t trust his judgment. I think it’s wrong that these people are wasting The President’s time by making him worry that he’s only doing a heckuva job. I think responsible debate should be limited to whether The President is doing a heckuva great job or better. If this proposal is adopted, The President by definition would immediately be more right! And that’s what we, and he, want.

I think if irresponsible opponents weren’t clogging The President’s time with so many questions and empty scandals that his presidency has begun to resemble a New Orleans sewer, The President would have been able to sign the necessary emergency orders for more upper body armor for our troops. Now, let me be crystal clear about this: Because The President couldn’t find time to sign that order, the critics of the The President’s performance are responsible for much more – way much more – than aiding and comforting our enemies. The irresponsible critics of The President are systematically killing our soldiers. And I don’t care who knows it.

Now, the Doomsayer Democrats object to certain wiretaps made without authorization. I say if they don’t like them, here’s a plan that will end the “illegal” wiretaps debate immediately. Disconnect the critics’ telephones! And while we’re at it, deny ’em ADSL. Let them rant over a 28.8k AOL connection and see how well they like it.

Bottom line: The President couldn’t be more right. After all, he wouldn’t be The President if that wasn’t so. That’s self-evident, just like it says in the Constitution. Or somewhere.

*Don’t let yourself be misled by the irresponsible rantings of mere eyewitnesses who swore they were American planes. They weren’t and I have a reason why they were mistaken.

Now, of course I have only the greatest sympathy for a bride whose husband was turned into viscous red goo in the middle of their vows, but, to be perfectly blunt, such an hysterical woman does not a reliable witness make. Indeed, probably very few men would either, in her position (not as the bride of another man, of course, nor did I mean to imply by “her position” anything smutty, it’s just that I meant…oh, you get it, I don’t need to explain).