Black Widows

The General blows the lid off the greatest threat to family values since Jermaine Jackson tried to hit Michael’s high notes on the Motown 45th anniversary show — “widow on widow” marriage. According to Dr Dobson, this is another in a long line of the horrors that await us at the bottom of that astroglide-drenched slope where the doggies and donkeys line up for dates. The General explains why:

You see, widow women are experienced women. They know what it’s like to know a man in a biblical sense. They are also privy to the secret all married women share–sex with a man is never enjoyable. It’s true. I’ve been told this by every woman with whom I’ve shared my passion–yes, I sinned often in my younger days, but I’ve asked for and received our Lord’s forgiveness.

Widows who marry each other are making a statement. They’re exposing the married woman’s secret and telling the world that we’re just not all that good when it comes to lovemaking. We need to prevent that from happening. Otherwise, we might as well store our essence in mason jars, because that’ll be the only place left for us to put it.

Well said. I think we can see the result of this permissiveness in the strange behavior of the 9/11 widows. They have obviously strayed from the true path to salvation by questioning the actions of our Dear Leader, Reverend Codpiece. It’s only a matter of time before they reject men altogether.

They must be stopped. Personally, I think the hindu method is a good one. Only instead of throwing themselves on the funeral pyre, they should submit to some good old-fashioned fratboy hazing and then have their frozen bodies photographed to raise funds for the Republican Party. That would be the moral thing to do.