How About A Pageant?

Can’t we just pretend to dress up the naked Boy Emperor and his Boyz in some fancy uniforms like Idi Amin and throw a big parade and bow down to their huge swinging machismo and just skip all the actual killing? I’d do it gladly if it would cure these frustrated eunuchs of their need to prove their manhood. Clearly, they didn’t get the yellow ribbon treatment after fighting the Battle of Bureaucracy to “win” the cold war, so they desperately need some affirmation that they are the true heroes of their time. Fine.

But what with everything else about this administration being such total bullshit, I’m sure nobody would even notice if we just skipped the war and went directly to the ceremonies and parades. How about we just put on a pageant?

MOSS

What do we have that they want?

BREAN

“Freedom.”

MOSS

Why would they want that?

HAKAN

They’re Oppressed.

MOSS

No, no, no. Fuck Freedom. No. Fuck Freedom.

They…. They Want… They Want To Destroy the Godless

Satan of the United … They want to destroy our Way of

Life. Okay, okay, okay, could we … okay: the

President is in China. He is dealing with a Dispatch

of the B-2 Bomber to Albania. Why?

(HE SHRUGS, HOLDS UP HIS HANDS, TO SAY,

“YOU TELL ME…”)

AMES

Alright, well, alright: geopolitically…

MOSS GESTURES FOR SILENCE.

MOSS

We’ve just found out They Have the Bomb. We’ve Just

Found Out They Have The Bomb, aaaand… No, No wait a

second, no, no, wait a second, No. The Bomb’s not…

it’s not there — because they’d have to have a

rocket and that shit n’they’re a buncha wogs– it’s …

it’s a suitcase Bomb. Ooookay. It’s a suitcase bomb,

and it’s …. in Canada! Eh? Albanian Terrorists have

placed a suitcase Bomb in Canada, in an attempt to

infiltrate the bomb into the USA.

AMES

You know what? This is good. This is terrific, and

I’ll tell you why: it’s cost effective. This is….

MOSS

(SHRUGS)

It’s producing.

Unfortunately, we’re going to inflict “Shock and Awe” instead.

BREAN

We remember the slogans, we can’t even remember the

fucking wars. Y’know why. Cause it’s show business.

That’s why I’m here. Naked girl, covered in Napalm.

Five marines Raising the Flag, Mount Suribachi.

Churchill, V for Victory, Y’remember the Picture, fifty

years from now, they’ll have forgotten the war. Gulf

War? Smart Bomb, falling through the roof. 2500

missions a day, 100 days, One Shot of One Bomb. The

American people bought that war. M’I getting through

to you? War in the Balkans, don’t mean nothing, till

some G.I. flyer, went down, Eating Snakes for Ten days.

It’s show business, Mister Moss.