Think Big
I’m so relieved that we are having the discussion about which Democratic values we can safely shed early instead of waiting until closer to the next election like we usually do. I think we should get out ahead on these issues and put the Republicans off their game. I’m already on record as being in favor of scrapping our pesky insistence on teaching evolution. Clearly, it’s disrespectful to those who believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible to insist that it is true. That elitist fealty to reason and fact is why they hate us so.
Matt Yglesias and others think that Roe vs Wade is probably a goner and may even be a good thing because if we expend a bunch of energy defending it, more important things will be sacrificed. If some women have to take one for the team, well, nobody ever promised them a rose garden. Everybody knows that an adult’s inalienable right to make a unique and difficult moral choice for herself is a leu-seur. (Check here for a list of countries around the globe that we’ll be joining in the 19th century.) I think the sooner we dump that albatross the sooner everyone will relax and support our superior economic philosophy. Besides, it will still be legal in certain expensive blue states so it’s not like anybody whose father was governor of a red state and went on to become president couldn’t catch a flight and take care of business, if you know what I mean. Big whoop.
Chris Bowers thinks we might want to adios gun control and get with the faith based program. I’m pretty sure that gun control was the issue we ditched after 2000, so I don’t think we can use it again. The rules for proving your bona fides as a Real American require that once you discard a liberal issue you can’t Sistah Soljah it again.
And you know, we already embraced faith based initiatives but with the requirement that they adhere to federal non-discrimination statutes. If we want to wring out a Real America forelock tug from this one, we’re need to insist that the government use federal money to discriminate against women or minorities or people who don’t practice a specific religion. If we couple that with the creationism move and actively work to dismantle public schools, we might just be getting somewhere. Perhaps we could really shake things up by proposing to reverse Brown vs Board of Education, the damned case that lost us Real America in the first place. “Separate but Equal” has some real resonance these days, don’t you think? It fits so nicely on a bumper sticker.
But, will any of this really be enough? I have to wonder. It seems that we just aren’t getting there with these baby steps toward rejoining Real America. I think we need to think big. Really big.
When you look at it, our whole problem can be laid at the foot of the Bill of Rights. Maybe it’s time to take a good hard look at how much good defending that puppy has really done the Democratic Party, eh?
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
I’ve already pointed out the damage that the separation of Church and State has done to us. Besides, it says an establishment of religion, not religions. If we make laws that establish more than one religion then we don’t even have to feel bad about it! If a few Buddhists, Muslims, pagans and atheists don’t like it, well that’s getting just a little too fine. They let in the Catholics, fergawdsake. Even the Jews. That’s enough “religions” for anybody.
Free speech forces us to defend the right of people to say things that Real Americans don’t like and it’s costing us. We end up getting associated with all those liberal TV stars from Friends that Real Americans hate, but we get no love for defending the right of Rush Limbaugh to call us traitors every day. I can’t see how it helps us to stick with this one.
Right of Assembly? That is so September 10th. Fuggedaboudit.
Redress of grievances? Petitioning of the government? Hello? Can we say, “I vote yea on the confirmation of Alberto Gonzalez for Attorney general?” Enthusiastically? Thank you.
What is this free press you speak of?
Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
Now we’re talking some sense.
Amendment III
No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
whatever
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Hey, a little sneak ‘n peak never hurt anybody. It is long past time for this to go.
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
The founders were a little naive, weren’t they? This is all well and good, but all it does is empower a bunch of bleeding hearts. “Due process” is just an excuse for judicial activism. It’s gone.
Well, except for the takings clause. That’s a keeper. Some principles we just can’t toss and still be able to look ourselves in the mirror.
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
Yeah right, Messrs. Jefferson, Franklin, Adams and the rest. I’d like to introduce you to a couple of guys names Hamdi and Moussaoui. And some guys down in Gitmo who might have known some guys who killed people on September 11th. Maybe if you knew them you wouldn’t have HAMSTRUNG decent Americans from doing what they need to do to keep this country safe. (They obviously didn’t have a clue about what it takes to defend liberty. Sad.)
Amendment VII
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Getting rid of this would be the ultimate tort reform. And gawd knows Real Americans want tort reform almost as much as they want the flag burning amendment and prayer in schools. This is a big winner, folks.
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
A little waterboarding is good enough to determine who is and isn’t a witch or a terrorist and there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to inflict a little pain on those actually convicted of crimes either.
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Well, that’s a bunch of crap. Any rights not explicitly enumerated in the constitution are “special rights” and should be denied without a second thought.
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
This would be fine as long as we attach the addendum that says, “unless Republicans control the federal government.” I think they’ll go along with that.
Repeal The Bill Of Rights: Vote Democratic!
It’s got a real ring to it, don’t you think?