It’s Not Rocket Science. Just Brain Surgery.

by tristero

Five years or so ago, I published an introductory textbook on intestinal tumors. Entitled “The Threatening Mass: The Case For Invasive GI Surgery, ” I came to the conclusion that only surgical removal of the tumor (no matter how small) stands a chance of working. A less “extreme” treatment – years of pointless, agonizing chemo – will only prolong the danger.

Furthermore, and this was a somewhat controversial assertion back then, I claimed that in all cases of GI cancer, not only must the malignancy be excised, but much of the colon must go as well. In other words, in many more situations than one might think, a colostomy – the notorious “Bag” – was a requirement to ensure long-term stability and health.

“The Threatening Mass” was a medical bestseller and I confess I made good money from it. I’ve spent the last few years making even better money guest-lecturing at medical schools. Even more gratifying – money isn’t everything, of course – surgeons throughout the country adopted my procedure and colostomies have proliferated.

True, there’s been a lot of recent apparent evidence that chemo often appears to work and that extensive GI surgery is counterindicated in many cases – in fact, there appeared to some readers that there was a lot of evidence before I published my book. As for colostomies, despite the fact that removal of most of the colon proved unnecessary in many cases (and psychologically devastating), I still feel confident that in the long run, this seeemingly “radical” expansion of the surgeon’s role in treating GI cancer will result in a preponderance of decisive cures. In truth, I can’t be held responsible for those who misunderstood what I wrote and perform operations hastily or without the specific preparations I prescribe.

In any event, flush from the success of “The Threatening Mass”, I’ve now decided to write an introductory textbook about brain surgery. It will be called “The Pondering Puzzle: The Conflict Between Cancer And Cerebellum.”

I’ll be describing the various kinds of malignant execrescences that can grow in the brain. I’ll discuss how they affect different areas, and what it means in terms of behavior – useful for emergency room diagnoses, to be sure. I’ll also be analysing the various surgical techniques involved and the latest research, both in considerable detail. I’ll talk with brain surgeons, study the advanced textbooks, and read the medical journals. I’ll make specific suggestions as to which surgery is best under specific conditions, complete with a chapter on all the different surgical instruments involved. And I’ll describe the various operations – the advantages and pitfalls – and lay out the possible outcomes.

At the end of my new textbook, I’ve decided to get a little personal for a change. I’m going to drop in a brief author’s note that’ll talk about how I did my research. Readers like to know that sort of thing, even if they’re slogging through a medical text.

I’ll explain that while I’ve been as scrupulous as possible in studying brain surgery, in fact I don’t have a background in oncology, let alone surgery. Not only have I never been in an operating room, I haven’t even tried to stitch up a bad cut. But not to worry: I have looked at dozens of videos of brain surgery and studied some with care. You see, while I have a rudimentary knowledge of medicine – of course, I know where the temporal lobe is, and how to find the hippocampus – I really can’t understand even the most general medical journals because I’ve never been to medical school. However, I assure you, I had well-trained doctors carefully explain to me the meaning of every article I discuss. Just as I did with my text on GI surgery.

Now, given the fact that I never troubled to learn to read the basic language of medicine -or wasted a perfectly fine afternoon by getting my hands bloody in an operating theater – you might think that I have no business writing two words about surgery, let alone two entire books on the subject. Books, I hasten to add, that are thought classics, cited constantly as justification for current protocols. But with all due respect, I disagree.

After all, if Kenneth Pollack is thought a scholar on the Middle East, then I must be considered an expert on brain surgery (and colostomies). At the very least, given how hard I’ve worked to make my knowledge of medicine appear credible, it’s only fitting that my opinion of what constitutes a proper approach to the elimination of cancerous tissue from the body be considered carefully by responsible leaders in the medical community.

And if you like, I’ll be happy to diagnose your own brain tumor. And, what the hell, I might as well do the operation myself. Y’gotta start somewhere, after all. And to make an omelet, you do have to break a few eggs.

(Hat tip to Atrios for the link.)