Fundamentals of Invasion (from a Codpiece original) By poputonian In January of 1777, the handsome and flamboyant John Burgoyne placed a wager at the posh Brooks Club on St. James Street in London. He bet Charles Fox fifty guineas that he would be home by Christmas, victorious over the Americans. Earlier Burgoyne had presented a plan to the King titled “Thoughts For Conducting The War From The Side Of Canada.” Through this plan, Burgoyne won himself command of the Army and it was up to him to lead the British invasion south from Canada “to get possession of Albany and open the communication to New York. Once he held Albany, British General William Howe, who had captured New York City a few months earlier, could come up the Hudson River “with his whole force, forming a junction of the two armies.” This would give Great Britain control of the Hudson River allowing them to sever the supply lines between New England and the Southern states, thus ending the American rebellion. No one knows for sure if Burgoyne really said, “Fuck George Washington, we’re taking him out,” but the written plan did contain a caveat from Burgoyne that his own “personal interest and fame … depend on a timely set out” from Canada.Oh man.So in June, several thousand British soldiers set off to crush the American rebellion. More than a thousand assorted others, including three hundred women and children, lagged behind the British army. The baggage carts alone stretched for three miles, including thirty carts for Burgoyne’s personal belongings. Never bashful for a good time, always cultivating his own popularity, Burgoyne would treat officers and wives to formal dinners with linen table coverings, china, and silverware. He reveled in the gambling and card games. Frederika von Riedesel, a German Baroness and the wife of a mercenary officer in Burgoyne’s army, along with her three young daughters, sailed to America to be with her husband. The Baroness kept a journal and left us this glimpse of the British invader:

“Burgoyne liked having a jolly time and spending half the night singing and dancing and amusing himself in the company of the wife of a commissary, who was his mistress and, like him, loved champagne.

As a man with a plan, Burgoyne was similar to his intellectual descendant, the Codpiece derivative, George W. Bush. In kindred spirit, Burgoyne left George a blueprint to follow, a template that spells out how to win the hearts and minds of the people you’re about to conquer. The blueprint, known to history as Burgoyne’s Proclamation, was distributed by Burgoyne throughout the Lake Champlain region of upstate New York. The proclamation constituted both an appeal and a threat to the Americans. Upon review, it is quite evident that George Bush used this document as his own invasion template. For instructional purposes, I’ve made annotations, but the transcription of the document is verbatim:Fundamental: Be a member of the meritocracy.

BY JOHN BURGOYNE ESQ; Lieutenant General of his Majesty’s Armies in America, Colonel of the Queens Regiment of Light Dragoons, Governor of Fort William in North Britain, one of the Commons of Great-Britain in Parliament, and commanding an Army and Fleet employed on an Expedition from Canada. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Fundamental: Appeal to the Flag Conservatives; claim the constitution.

The forces entrusted to my command are designed to act in concert, and upon a common principle, with the numerous Armies and Fleets which already display in every quarter of America, the power, the justice, and when properly fought, the mercy of the King. The cause in which the British arms are thus exerted applies to the most affecting interests of the human heart; and the military servants of the Crown, at first called forth for the sole purpose of restoring the rights of the Constitution, now combine with love of their Country, and duty to their sovereign, the other extensive incitements which spring from a due sense of the general privileges of mankind.

Fundamental: Accuse the opposition of tyranny and invoke God. Make them oppressors of the common people.

To the eyes and ears of the temperate part of the public, and to the breasts of Suffering Thousands in the provinces, be the melancholy appeal whether the present unnatural rebellion has not been made a foundation for the compleatest [sic] system of Tyranny that ever God in his displeasure suffered for a time to be exercised from a forward and stubborn generation.

Don’t stop there; exactly what are the American rebel leaders (Washington, Adams, Franklin) guilty of?

Arbitrary imprisonment, confiscation of property, persecution and torture, unprecedented in the inquisitions of the Romish church are among the palpable enormities that verify the affirmative. These are inflicted by assemblies and committees who dare to profess themselves friends to Liberty, upon the most quiet subjects, without distinction of age or sex, for the sole crime, often for the sole suspicion, of having adhered in principle to the Government under which they were born, and to which every tie divine and human they owe allegiance. To consummate these shocking proceedings, the profanation of religion is added to the most profligate prostitution of common reason; the consciences of men are set at naught; and multitudes are compelled not only to bear arms, but also to swear subjection to a usurpation they abhor. Animated by these considerations; at the head of troops in the full powers of health, discipline, and valor; determined to strike where necessary, and anxious to spare where possible, I by [this document] invite and exhort all persons, in all places where the progress of this army may point—and by the blessings of God I will extend it far—to maintain such a conduct as may justify me in protecting their lands, habitations, and families. The intention of this address is to hold forth security, not depredation to the country.

Fundamental: Money talks; offer up some coin .. and be the daddy.

To those whom spirit and principle may induce to partake the glorious task of redeeming their Countrymen from dungeons, and re-establishing the blessings of legal government, I offer encouragement and employment; and upon the first intelligence or their associations I will find means to assist their undertakings. The domestic, the industrious, the infirm, and even the timid inhabitants I am desirous to protect provided they remain quietly at their houses, that they do no break up their bridges or roads; nor by any other acts directly or indirectly endeavor to obstruct the operations of the King’s troops, or supply or assist those of the Enemy. Every species of provision brought to my camp will be paid for at an equitable rate and in solid coin.

Fundamental: Invoke God again, and then threaten the Americans with suffering at the hands of the Indians, and stress to the bastards that they are either with you or against you:

With a consciousness of Christianity, my Royal Master’s clemency, and the honor if soldiership, I have dwelt upon this invitation and wished for more persuasive terms to give it impression. And let not people be led to disregard it by considering their distance from the immediate situation of my camp—I have but to give stretch to the Indian forces under my direction, and they amount to thousands, to overtake the hardened enemies of Great-Britain and America, I consider them the same, wherever they may lurk.

Fundamental: Let it be known that God agrees with what you’re doing.

If notwithstanding these endeavors, and sincere inclinations to effect them, the frenzy of hostility should remain, I trust I shall stand acquitted in the eyes of God and men in denouncing and executing the vengeance of the State against the wilfull outcasts—the messengers of justice and of wrath await them in the field; and devastation, famine, and every concomitant horror that a reluctant but indispensable prosecution of military duty must occasion, will bar the way of their return. J. Burgoyne

Give stretch to the Indians he did. Jonathan Trumbull, Jr. writing from Albany to his father, the Governor of Connecticut, described the devastation left in Burgoyne’s wake.

August 6, 1777The Indians have spread great terror by lying in wait, surprising and scalping and other ways inhumanely butchering unhappy stragglers. Some innocent families and individuals have undoubtedly suffered by Tories in the garb of savages, but a great proportion of them who have suffered in their own houses and about their houses have been Tories themselves. This spreads the general panic among that class of animals, who begin to think there is no faith in Master Burgoyne, nor any safety in his protection. Some ’tis said have even been found dead with protection in their hands. Governor Skene has his house ornamented with scalps. Some of our prisoners have been tormented in the most shocking manner; some burnt, others dismembered of their hands, etc.. Their cruelties are too horrid to dwell upon. The scenes of distress with the poor inhabitants flying from their farms and habitations are truly moving. Their crops of wheat and corn are amazing–all destroyed or left; and many of the poor people nothing to subsist upon. The public must supply them provisions.August 11, 1777[Albany] is just falling; if [Burgoyne] makes one more move towards it all is lost. Is it possible our situation is known, or is it not attended to? I am almost inclined to think that a penetration from this quarter and possession of all this part of the country, which will be the case as soon as Burgoyne comes to the city, will be of more serious consequences to the United States than even General Howe’s obtaining the city of Philadelphia with its surrounding country. The consequences of the Indian incursions will be most shocking, if not fatal to the whole. New England has almost lost the idea of such troubles; but, [with New York] gone, they will soon have a most terrible recognition of those horrid scenes.The country about is in a distressed situation; the inhabitants flocking in, leaving their final crops and everything almost behind, but their families and children. Such a scene I never saw. In every corner, Indians mixed with Tories carrying terror or in every quarter almost as low as the city. The next move of the retreating army will bring them around, if not into, town.

A contemporaneous and irreverent American reply to Burgoyne’s Proclamation.