Grab your guitar. Pack extra avocado toast. It’s on!
by Tom Sullivan
As Blast Thunderpatch long ago predicted, the #SecondCivilWar is finally on. A dispatch from The Hill explains:
Social media users mocked InfoWars founder and host Alex Jones for predicting that Democrats are planning to start a civil war on July 4.
The conspiracy theorist tweeted his prediction on Monday, accompanied by a video in which he claimed that “elite publications” were calling for a “civil emergency” using civil unrest and “racial strife” to force out President Trump.
And so Twitter user Amanda Blount launched the hashtag #secondcivilwarletters Monday night. An homage to Ken Burns’s Civil War documentary, the tag exploded on Tuesday with tens of thousands joining battle. A running theme in early tweets was troops running short of avocado toast.
My dearest Gladys,
I saw a man lose his life today. His eyes looked past me, toward what I did not know. I kneeled at my fallen enemy.“I could’ve been on your side,” he revealed between coughs. “But for her emails,” he said as he met his fate.
#secondcivilwarletters— Bob Harry 🇺🇸🏳️🌈🇲🇽 (@BobHarryD) July 3, 2018
Dear Mama,
We’ve surrounded the unit led by Gen Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. Their food supply has been cut off & they’re down to the last of their Chick Fil A rations. We’re smoking them out with show tunes. Won’t be long now. #secondcivilwarletters— Nicole Michel (@nicoleaoii) July 3, 2018
Dearest Family:
We put together a really bad video montage of Trump ordering his troops to charge us naked with no guns and broadcast it at the enemy lines as a joke.
But they actually charged us. Naked. With no guns.
Will be home for dinner.#secondcivilwarletters— Pé Resists (@4everNeverTrump) July 3, 2018
Quickly, celebrities enlisted.
Dearest Mother
I have just been informed our battalion is moving east at dawn to provide reinforcement to the Snowfake Brigade currently fighting The Battle of Bigley Horn. #SecondCivilWarLetters— Lizz “Civil Warmonger" Winstead (@lizzwinstead) July 3, 2018
Republican apostate Rick Wilson delivered especially withering fire:
I stared at the dying soldier, his Alt-Reich Douchestaffel uniform covered in blood.
He gripped my arm, eyes wild with fear of impending death.
"One question…" he gasped.
"Anything," I said.
With his last breath he sighed, "What is a clitoris?"
#secondcivilwarletters— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018
Colonel:
During the 3rd Battle of Charlottesville we captured enemy caches of citronella oil, Tiki torches, and Japanese pornography.
Also, Trumpistani leader Richard Spencer was captured as he attempted to escape into a local Walmart dressed as a woman.#secondcivilwarletters— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018
Like oysters storming a beach, thick and fast they came at last, and more, and more, and more:
Dear Mother,
The Red Hats pinned us down until we were saved by the cavalry: women of color on horseback charging into battle.
Afterward, despite having no horses or expertise, some of the white males in our unit demanded to be in charge of the cavalry.#secondcivilwarletters— Charlotte Clymer🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) July 3, 2018
"Captured at Bowling Green. In tolerably good health. Avocado hardtack rations meager and chicory covfefe drunk cold to avoid microwave surveillance. Capt. Kardashian to negotiate prisoner exchange."#secondcivilwarletters— Kathy Olson (@Kathy_Olson) July 3, 2018
Dearest Wife,
Please allow me to unburden my soul. Earlier, at the Battle of Two Scoops, I killed an enemy soldier, a young lad who could not have been a day over 19. His last words shall haunt me for the rest of my life: “Womp Womp.” #secondcivilwarletters— Ranjit Arab (@NotARaja) July 3, 2018
We are a band of brothers
We come from shore to shore
Women rarely touch us
Because they are all whores
We're celibate and hateful
But ready for a fight!
Hurrah for the MAGA hat
That came in the mail last night#secondcivilwarletters— Scott Donohue (@ScottDonohue1) July 3, 2018
The fighting went long yesterday and promises to continue into Independence Day.
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